The Pished Hiker’s Guide Tae Time Travel

The Pished Hikers Guide Tae Time Travel

Wan night in Kelburn

Me and Gordy McCann were burlin

We’d tanned a hawf bottle of Buckie

And watched ma pal curling

And efter he won we went back to the offie

Turns oot a wizard worked there and he gave us a coffee

He said “Sober up lads cos I’m aboot te tell ye

Suhin pure magical that’s aboot tae befell ye

Cos when you baith drank that hawf bottle of Buckie

Chosen ye were, and tae be baith sae lucky

For that was nae ordinary Fortified Wine

Naw, noo ye baith can travel through time

We were baith dumbfooned

That much a can tell ye

But we accepted the challenge fae the Wizard from Kelvi

He told us tae go and with great speed to watch

Everythin that happened since life first turned the clock

A said “Haud on a minute, much will we get paid?

And anither thing, whit happens if wan of us gets laid?

Will we start disappearin like Marty and the picture in his wallet?

And will aw this time travel make me want tae vomit?

He said “Shut the fuck up and get on wae the mission

A dunno why the bottle of Buckie has put me in this position

Hawf-wits the pair of ye, whit hope have we goat

If ye don’t get on wae it al grab ye both by the throat

Wee Gordy got pure ragin and said he’d tear up the shop

And that’s when the wizard said he was cawin the cops

A tried tae calm them baith doon cos we had a lot in common

Efter aw the Buckie picked us, we were the ones who were chosen

The wizard agreed and sent us tae times the world had forgotten

Let me tell ye this, time travel smells fuckin rotten

We never saw Wullie shout Freedom or get steaminwae a Beatle

Never smoked a joint wae Jimi or saw the birth of Limmy

Couldnae shave Hitlers moustache or dekegg that twat Nixon

Never went to the Moon or winched hunners o wummin

So when we got back I knocked the wizard a crack and told him he’d selt us a duffer

He asked “What did ye see, was it magic as can be? Did ye get tae see a young Mick Jagger?

I told him time travel was shite and try as I might, I think next time I’ll just have a lager