Exclusive Sneak Peek at Keepin' Up Wae Mackenzies!

Hey reader! Thanks for stopping by the site. Here is an exclusive sneak peek at my upcoming book, Keeping’ Up Wae The Mackenzies!, a comedy about Scotland’s answer to The Kardashians.

Check it out on Amazon for pre-order or keep an eye here for updates!

Enjoy, take care and thanks for the support

Cx

Pre-Order on Amazon Here

INT. REALITY BITES PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY

The Reality Bites Production Office is bustling. Nervous chatter fill the room, as the staff take their seats at the conference-room style table. Jo Levine rushes into the room, taking a seat next to Samuel Gerrard. 

“Has it started yet?” asked Jo, panting for breath.

“Not yet, darling. Sarah’s just doing her pre-meeting routine,” Samuel drawled.

Jo looked out of the conference room, to find their boss, Sarah staring in at them all. She pointed at her staff then performed the “slit throat” gesture, walking up and down. 

“This is new,” Jo said, raising an eyebrow.

Samuel nodded. “Mm-hm. HR said she wasn’t allowed to use one of us as a prop anymore. So, this is her new thing.”

“Any idea what this meeting is—” but Jo was interrupted as Sarah entered.

She dragged a toy plastic slide in behind her, which gets stuck in the door. She pulls at it, frantically. 

“What the fuck is she doing?” asked Jo.

“I never know anymore and I’ve stopped asking unless I have a drink in my hand.”

Sarah eventually gets it free, stumbling into the room. Regaining her balance, she then takes the pastries from the centre of the table and then, without explanation, drops them on the slide and lets them make their way to the bottom. 

“What does this represent?”, Sarah exclaimed.

A hand shoots up. 

“Losing weight.” It was Ben. 

“WRONG. Who else?” shouted Sarah.

Nobody else was brave enough. Yet. Except of course, Ben.

“Putting on weight?”

“NO. It’s got nothing to do with weight. Anybody?”

She runs out of pastries. Looks around, doesn’t find a suitable replacement, so points at Ben.

“Ben, come here a second. I need you.”

Ben stands.

“Get on the slide,” she demanded.

“Eh, I don’t think that’s designed for an adult Sarah.”

Sarah blinked. “Get on the slide.:

Ben fidgeted nervously. “I really—”

“SLIDE!”

Ben reluctantly and carefully starts to climb the slide. Gingerly, Ben starts to sit on it when--

--CRACK. The slide collapses, Ben with it. The room gasps, Sarah smiles.

“Perfect, good representation Ben. What does that represent?”

Jo, more in an effort to stop this, threw her hat in. “Health & Safety?”

“No.”

Samuel raised his hand. “Workplace bullying?”

Sarah shook her head and signed before screaming. “RATINGS!”

Samuel slumped in his seat. “Aw Christ.”

Sarah, triumphant, starts to march around the room. “That’s right people. Ratings. The ratings for our shows on our channel are slipping. Reality Bites used to be the pinnacle of reality TV! But no more. We’re bottom of the pile. So come on, what’s the plan? How do we improve viewer ratings? How do we get out audiences back?”

A whimper from somewhere on the floor. “Can someone help me?”

Sarah clicked her fingers. “Yes, Ben. Good idea, but those ideas have been done to death.”

Jo glanced around nervously, mumbling under her breath. “We could always diversify.”

Sarah stopped, behind Jo. “What’s that Jo? Speak up.”

Jo cleared her throat and sat up straighter in her chair. “Eh, oh, I just was saying we could diversify.” 

“Go on.” 

“I just think, if you look at our network, it’s all straight white men and women. We might see people search out our channel if we start representing more than that. We could look at the LGBTQ+ for a start.”

Samuel nodded. “Like RuPaul. Can we get RuPaul?”

Jo shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

Sarah clapped her hands. “I like this, but sadly we aren’t in a position to commission a slate of new shows. We need to work with what we’ve already invested in.”

Samuel shrugged. “Pity we can’t just use the folk we have already.”

Sarah took a sharp intake of breath. “Now there’s an idea.”

Jo looked at Sarah, confused. “Sorry what?”

“That’s exactly what we’ll do. And I know just the show we can try it on. Get your cases packed, you’re heading to Scotland.”

Who Wants To Meet PM Harry McDonagh?

Election Night: Hopefully Not Based On True Events is out on Fri 6 Dec! Here’s an exclusive excerpt from my new comedy. Have a read, a laugh and order your copy below. Treat yourself, or someone who’s going to find it funny. But the question is…

…..Who’s ready to meet Prime Minister Harry McDonagh?

The Final Day of Campaigning

9.00am – 8.00pm.

Tony and Veronica loved Election Night. Tony took a half-day from work to make sure that their tenement flat in Springburn was spick and span, and stocked with supplies ready for the all-nighter of political viewing ahead. He would go for a quick shop at the Cost Cutter down the bottom of the street to pick up a bag of munchies (crisps, sweets, chocolate) a crate of beer, jar of cheap coffee, bottle of gin, bottle of lemonade and a carton of milk. Once he had everything he needed, he would head back to the flat and set down everything he had bought on the living room coffee table. By that time, it was 5.00pm and Veronica would be finishing work in a few hours. He would top off the preparations by placing an order with their favourite Chinese takeaway that Veronica would pick up on her way home. Perching the remote control on the arm of the chair, Tony put on the news and waited for Veronica to return home with the Chinese (an order big enough to last them all the way through the night – salt n chili chips, ribs, chow mein, sweet and sour chicken, vegetable spring rolls and a portion of fried rice with a side of prawn crackers). The Election coverage wouldn’t properly kick off for a few hours yet but that didn’t stop Tony consuming every bit of coverage there was on the final hours of voting. This was his Super Bowl. His World Cup Final. And he wouldn’t miss a minute of it. Whilst he waited for Veronica to come home with the food, he’d catch up with Twitter, starting with the Prime Minister himself.

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 

Followed by Donald J Trump, Alan Partridge, Kim Kardashian, The Krankies, Justin Bieber & 170 others you follow.

Prime Minister of Great Britain, #TeamThanos & Misses Entourage. Hates racism and feminism. Doesn’t know which ones worse.

The Toilet.

Instagram.com/doughnutmcdonagh

 Joined May 2010

69 Following   24.5M Followers

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 22h 

Election Day!   If ye dae wan thing today – get aff yer arse and vote! We are aff on one final day of campaigning – looking forward to our final trip across the country with my main man @mudmartin & my press secretary @sylviafleming with blogger @melissawells with us! 

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 21h

Remember, the other dafties havenae been in powur over the last 4 years like I have – they cannae even spell powur properly! Who would ye rather have representin’ ye aw ower the world, eh? People that have nae clue what it’s like to run the country? They’d run it intae the ground! Besides, they don’t look as good as me on yer GBH TV!

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 22h 

*HD TV! 

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 21h 

@politicallyyou I tweet how a talk – which is why people love me. I’ve goat the whole o Scotland ahint me! I’m real, genuine and a man o the people. Are ye naw better aff writing some proper articles about the election instead o criticizing the way folk talk?

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 21h 

Did anyone watch @keepingupwaethekrankies last night? Brilliant – two Scottish national treasures. Sorry @KimKardashian – I think The Krankies have got you beat! #teamkrankie #justkiddingkim

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 21h 

@ffred1876 So what if they put their keys in a bowl?  I don’t care if they are swingers - I grew up wae the Krankies – naebody does panto like they dae! Except Gerard Kelly! RIP  

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 18h 

We’re visiting polling stations across the UK just now! Tell us when you’ve voted! We’ve already cast our votes, haven’t we @sylviafleming & @mudmartin ?

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 18h 

@tonybartonpodcast @melissawells @sylviafleming @politicallyyou I’m naw overly concerned wae polls – they’ve been wrong in the past and they’ll be wrong again. The election’s just a formality – we’ll be back in that office for another 5 year!

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 18h 

See if I have tae shake another manky, sweaty hand the day I’ll be absolutely ragin! Honestly, if ye know yer comin oot to see yer Prime Minister on the campaign trail, would ye naw at least gie yersel a wee wash?

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 18h 

 Howling! @mudmartin & @sylviafleming are goin aff their nut cos that last tweet was supposed to be a text tae ma pals! Absolute riddy! Serious tho – a wee bit of antibacterial hand gel wouldnae hurt, would it? #electionday #accidentaltweet #mankyhands

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 15h 

Another polling station visited! Great to see so many people out voting and cheering our names – feel like a bloody rockstar! Honestly though, don’t gie me yer wean to hold. I’m a clumsy bastard – might end up drapping it! Plus they’ve got hunners o germs! Thanks everyone who came out to see us in Manchester! #electionday #thankyou #vote #keepyerwean

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 14h 

Absolutely knackering day so far! Worth it though – we can’t wait to get back in charge of the country and making change! We’ll build on the success we’ve already had!

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 14h 

My favourite book? I dinnae really read too much tae be honest – if they dinnae make a filum o it, it must be shite. I dae love one book but. Its cawed Rabbie Burns Would Be Fuckin’ Ragin’ by Carpet Burns. Scotlands next great poet – his poems are full o great patter! The next Rabbie Burns!

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 14h 

@partyjane_25 we don’t get a lot of chill time on the bus – but we’ve got Wi-Fi so we’ve either got the tunes blaring to keep us motivated or a boxset on in the background. But we’re mostly on social media or doin’ interviews or that! Keepin’ up wae the numbers! 

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 14h 

@gary_gordon West Wing? Thought it was about birds originally. Never seen it – I’m naw into political shows. Fave shows are Entourage, Two and a Half Men or reality TV!  

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 12h 

So far we’ve hit polling stations in Newcastle, Manchester and Glasgow! Few more and then we’ll be calling it a day. Get out there and vote for me while ye can! Ignore the polls and the rubbish the press are saying! We’re winning this – ye don’t want tae be on the losing side!

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 11h 

Here’s an idea – Snapchat Election. Ye can vote via Snapchat – don’t even need tae leave yer kip! If we get back in, that’s the future! Did I say IF? I meant WHEN!

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 11h 

Right so, I’ve just been sayin’ vote for me – which is right if yer in my constituency! But ye’ve also got tae vote for all my Party People! Aw yer MPs representing me – get them voted. They are good, crackin’ people! 

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 11h 

If ye don’t like the MP that represents our party – vote for them anyway and when we get back in power I’ll make sure they are sacked!

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 8h 

We’re done! Heading back tae No.10 and absolutely shattered but can’t wait for the results tae come in! I’ll be up all night – it’s like Christmas Eve!

Prime Minister Harry McDonagh @harrymcdonaghrealpm 8h 

Thanks to everyone who went out and voted today or came tae see us! For those who were flinging stuff at us – that’s remembered. I tried to send a middle finger emoji but Sylvia and Martin wouldnae let me! 

Tony laughed at almost every tweet, glad he had done his bit and voted to keep him in power. And he was bound to win. He was a popular figure, particularly in Scotland. That was probably why Tony loved him so much – he was from Springburn, just like he and Veronica were. He was a scheme boy done good. He’d been a credit to Springburn and to Scotland. Sure, the main thing he’d done was bring back The Bill, knight the Krankies and the cast of Still Game, put the sugar back into Irn-Bru and made Freddos 5p - but he'd still done his country proud. This was something Tony would tell Veronica often. 

“He’s done us all proud down there, V. He’s speaking for us normal folk!” And he had, he really had. That was, until he went mental and the mad bastard threatened to bomb the country with nuclear weapons because he never got voted back in. But we’ll get to that.