Rejected Jokes: Yesterday's New's, Today #5
It’s that time again! Here’s another few jokes that I laugh at, so you don’t have too!
Hope one gives you a laugh or a smile and a shake of the head. Either works for me!
Enjoy
Cx
The French subsidiary of Ikea will go on trial this week over allegations that it snooped on employees and customers by using private detectives and police officers. The trial will start as soon as someone figures out the instructions on how to build the courtroom, which has come flatpacked.
Dame Vera Lynn is to be commemorated with a memorial on the White Cliffs of Dover. Organisers briefly considered taking inspiration from Mount Rushmore and naming the memorial Mount Vera, until they realised the connotations might not be the most dignified for the late singer.
Chef Gordon Ramsay is planning to create his own kitchenware range. Now, instead of having your family insult your cooking, your cutlery will be able to do it too.
A satellite which hunts and destroys space junk has been launched. The Astroscale test craft will be controlled from the UK. However, those controlling the satellite, are confused about what day the space bins go out. Is it Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday?
Egypt's Suez Canal has been blocked by a large container ship that ran aground after losing control, causing a traffic jam of cargo vessels in the region. Authorities have apparently tried everything to unblock the canal, including the double flush, using a giant toilet brush, and throwing down some bleach.
Rejected Jokes: Yesterday's News, Today #5
Yesterday’s News, Today #5
Another week, another few jokes that didn’t make the cut! Not my strongest set of jokes, but they might possibly raise a chuckle, a smile or even better - a sigh and a shake of the head!
Enjoy!
Cx
· Elon Musk has dropped his chief executive job title and crowned himself "Technoking of Tesla". Other names that were rejected included The Muskeeteer of Motors, The E-Lion King and The Tin-Man of Tesla.
· The Catholic Church does not have the power to bless same-sex unions, the Vatican office responsible for doctrine has said. It is "impossible" for God to "bless sin", the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) said on Monday. Which really makes you worry about what God does bless, considering the history of the Catholic Church.
· German police have solved a nine-year-old burglary after DNA found on a half-eaten sausage matched that of a man detained in France. The officers involved in the discovery say they are delighted to have found this link in the case.
· Lorraine Kelly wants to be ‘unleashed’ in a post-watershed show, so she can share all the banter she has on her daytime show when the adverts are on. Possible titles include Lorraine After Dark, Under The Covers with Lorraine, and Carry On With Kelly.
· Douglas Ross yesterday insisted Nicola Sturgeon’s IndyRef2 plan will take a ‘wrecking ball’ to Scotland’s Covid recovery. Sturgeon is set to respond in similar fashion, with a statement saying “it’s no about how fast we get there, no about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb.” Meanwhile Miley Cyrus has sent a cease and desist to both parties.
Rejected Jokes: Yesterday's News, Today #4
Another week, another round up of the news with some jokes that didn’t make the cut!
Out of all the gags I’ve written in this style, these are among my favourite - and possibly my best. But who’s to say?
Well, you if you laugh. And if you do, let me know!
If you don’t? Then I already know, nae need to remind me!
Yesterday’s News, Today
In the news this week:
The Scottish Conservatives say they will push for a vote of no confidence in John Swinney "on Tuesday or Wednesday". Or maybe Thursday, Friday or Saturday. But not Sunday. Happy Days.
Footwear firm Shoe Zone has named Terry Boot as it’s new finance boss replacing predecessor, Peter Foot. Many think the company have missed a trick not having them work together, as they would have made quite the pair.
A New York City woman discovered an entire empty apartment located through a hole behind her bathroom mirror — and videos of her solving the mystery and making the unsettling discovery have gone viral on TikTok. After her newfound fame she will reportedly be doing her own version of a famous song by The Beatles, re-naming it “She Came Through The Bathroom Window Of The Apartment Behind The Bathroom Mirror”, as this year’s Christmas single.
Joe Biden’s dogs have reportedly been returned to the family home in Delaware after showing aggressive behaviour towards White House staff. Apparently the dogs responded negatively when the White House staff wouldn’t give them a treat, something the staff really should have been prepared for after the last administration.
Derek McInnes has left Aberdeen after eight years in charge with the side fourth in the Scottish Premiership. The news came as a surprise to many fans, who actually thought he’d left ages ago.
A postbox outside Inverness Town House has mysteriously been painted purple, prompting curiosity from locals. Many think that this is the work of a brand new street artist set to rival Banksy, called Barney.
After their first title win in 10 years, hundreds of Rangers fans descended upon George Square in celebration, in a significant breach of the lockdown rules. People across Scotland have been in uproar, as many didn’t realise that the sequel to World War Z had already started filming and didn’t get the chance to audition
And that’s yesterdays news, today. See ya next week!
Rejected Jokes: Yesterday's News, Today #3
Rejected Jokes: Yesterday’s News, Today #3
It’s that time again! Yes, it’s rejected jokes, covering the news from last week!
Enjoy…hopefully!
Cx
· A man who claims he has fathered dozens of children by offering sperm donations online says demand has risen during the coronavirus pandemic. If demand continues as it is, he’s going to put out an ad for a hired hand.
· The creators of Pokemon Go have announced they've punished more than five million players for cheating. They really are gonna catch em all.
· Police cordoned off part of a street in Glasgow city centre this week after discovering an injured swan. Officers were called to Jamaica Street this lunchtime after the bird was found in distress next to a bus stop. This is what happens if you don’t wear a face mask on a bus in Glasgow.
· A giant iceberg larger than New York City has broken away from the Antarctic ice shelf. The Big Frozen Apple, anyone?
· Scientists have developed a 'pregnancy test for cheese' that lets cheesemakers check the quality earlier and more precisely. Until they tell me exactly how the test is taken, I’m no going round to any of their houses for a cheese and wine night.
Snow Cat
It was March 2018. Instead of looking forward tae spring and summer just around the corner, the clouds were kicking aff big time; aye, I’m talking about SNOWMAGGEDON.
Pain in the arse, eh? Noo I like the snow. It’s no bad if you’re sitting nice and cosy with a wee drink and some munchies. Or a cup of tea and some toast. Nae need tae brave the cold. Jist keepin’ yerself nice and warm as The Beast From The East tears through Scotland.
But naw. That wasnae me. That wisnae whit I ended up daen. Instead, I end up chittering away like wan of those wee bastards in Ice Age. And here’s why. And aye, it’s because of cat again. Aye the same cat. The wan that came back frae the deid. Dinnae remember? Well that’s another story, and ye don’t need to know it the noo, suffice tae say it’s no the first time the wee shit’s caused havoc.
Anyway, Beast From The East. I’m sitting there, quite the thing when I start hearing panicked gasps and yelling. It’s my Mum. She’s shouting and balling. So I run in tae the living room and there she is, hands over her mouth staring out the windae intae the street.. “Whit’s wrong? Whit’s wrong?”
She’s looks at me, ashen white like the snow that’s fell aw aroond us. “It’s the cat. It’s Ringo. He’s stuck, he’s out in the middle of the road in the snow. Oh my god he cannae move, Chris.”
Right well that’s me. That’s aw I need tae hear before jumping’ intae action. No way is that wee bugger goin’ tae fall victim to this Day After Tomorrow-pish.
So I fling my shoes on and fucking high tail out of the house. It’s freezing. I’m no even properly wrapped up. I’m forcing ma way, sprinting through 2 feet of snow, no caring that I’m in my joggy bottoms and a t shirt you can piss through. I’m on a mission. I’m running tae rescue oor cat. I’m basically John Wick. I’m running like…like Tom fucking Cruise - except Tom Cruise efter a heavy meal.
I see the neighbours start coming tae their windae’s. Watching me. Looking on. Hands covering their mouth. “Oh my”, they must be thinking. “Such bravery”. I hold my hands up – to tell them, “Naw, it’s awrite. I’m nae hero – am just doing the right thing.”
I’m almost there, he’s starting to come into view properly now. I can see him scuttling about in the snow in the middle of the road, trying tae escape the cold handed grip of the snow. I’m shitting myself. What if he’s hurt? What if something bad has happened? I get closer, hands stretching out, ready tae rescue. But…something isnae right.
So I start squinting my eyes in the darkness, as I get right up tae him. And that’s when I see it.
It isnae oor cat at all. Turns out it was a bloody bin bag and Ringo was sitting in the house the whole time, sleeping.
Honestly, that cat. He really is suhin else.
Open Topped Parentible
As he prepared dinner for his new girlfriend, Simon realised he was lucky.
Living with his father was not the embarrassment he first feared.
Just then, his father entered the room with his Hawaii-shirt open, showing wispy grey chest hair and sagging man tits.
“What do we think? Too Ibiza?”
Rejected Jokes: Yesterday's News, Today #2
Photo by Tom Mossholder
Another week, another little packet of rejected jokes!
Hopefully they give you a giggle!
Cx
Yesterday’s Jokes, Today
Irvine Welsh said work needs to start on a Trainspotting 3 film before the cast all become OAPs. Although if they do wait, we could see Begbie brawl in a bingo hall and the famous tagline change to Choose Life…Insurance
Singer Eddi Reader and some SNP MPs have hit out at a new Netflix series for branding Scots ‘stingy and miserable’. Plans for a protest to be organised outside the offices of Netflix have been scrapped however, as “there is nae way we’re paying THAT to travel over there.”
A giant teddy was kidnapped by jokers who demanded two sausage rolls for his release. Rainbow the bear vanished last week before a ransom note was found on a pavilion bench. Conspiracy theorists believe that Paddington may be behind it all, because he’s absolutely sick of being fed marmalade.
A letter revealing how Albert Einstein predicted the evils of Adolf Hitler almost a decade before he came to power is tipped to fetch £1500 at auction. Many now believe that E=MC squared stands for Evil = Mein Kampf, squared.
Mamma Mia actor Dominic Cooper has had his fourth car stolen in the space of a year. He’s sending out an SOS.
Gwyneth Paltrow has been mocked for claiming she started the ‘trend’ of wearing Face Masks. As long as she doesn’t store them where they does her candles, she can claim all she wants.
A conservative think tank has called for an independent inquiry into Boris Johnson's fiancée, Carrie Symonds, and her "possible influence" in government. That’s an adaptation of Lady MacBeth that nobody wants to see.
Rejected Jokes: Yesterday's News, Today #1
Photo by Bruno Bacar
Hello!
For the past wee while, I’ve been writing and submitting jokes for a comedy show covering news headlines.. Haven’t yet made the cut, it’s possibly one of the difficult of writing styles I’ve attempted, those who an do it are immensely skilled, but some of the jokes still make me giggle.
So, here’s a semi regular segment that I’ll start posting - Rejected Jokes: Last Week In The News.
Any jokes that I’ve written for different opportunities or shows that don’t make the cut, I’ll post them on here.
Might give you a giggle. Might make you groan.
Sometimes the best ones make you do both.
Enjoy
Cx
Photo by Marija Zaric on Unsplash
Yesterday’s News, Today
A concerned animal lover told Edinburgh Zoo she’s spotted a fallen penguin on their live stream, but it turned out to be a rock. Apparently she wrote to make sure they p-p-p-p-p-picked up the penguin.
Baby Boomers now have their own radio station offering nostalgic tunes from the golden era of pop. Baby boomers are excited to tune into the new DAB station, just as soon as they find out what a DAB station is.
Sir Andy Murray has mocked his Mum’s cooking skills – after she praised ready made dinners online. In other words, he had no love for his Mum’s cooking and took fault in what she served. Sorry.
A couple who got hitched during lockdown told how their only wedding breakfast guest was a pet rabbit. Later that day, they were joined by a hare, a dormouse, a woman named Alice and the Mad Hatter.
A priest in the Republic of Ireland has made takeaway ashes available for parishioners to administer at home on Ash Wednesday. Fr Brian Brady teamed up with a shop in Clomany, County Donegal to provide holy ashes in sauce containers. Did somebody say Just Pray?
28 Days Guarantee
They sheltered in the supermarket as the end of the world rained down outside and the dead rose up from the ground.
A bang on the window. A woman, her hair matted. She fought off the dead and peered in, angry.
"Ah can see ye in there. Gonnae open these doors so a can get ma refund - am still within ae 28 day guarantee. Cannae use the stuff noo."
A Mad, Mad, Mad Monday Night
It was a Monday night, during the Summer 2016. I’d just made myself a wee brew and was sitting down to watch the fitba. England or Wales or suhin were playing. What was aboot tae happen put the fitba right out ma mind. So I get masel settled, feet up, fitba on. I have a wee glance oot the windae and see my next door neighbour walking along. “Aw naw.” I think. He’s heading my way. “Naw, don’t be silly.” I try tae tell myself. Then I see his head swivel like a wee owl to peek in the windae. And there I am, staring back out with ma tea in hand. Caught rotten. I’m in.
“Yer cat’s deid.” That’s what I’m greeted with when I open the door. Nae hello. Nothin. Just, “yer cat’s deid.” I stand there in silence. He says it again. “Aye, that’s yer cat deid in my drive there the now. Ye want tae come pick him up?”
Now, look, I’m nae Joe Exotic right? The stringy mullet and that wouldnae suit me. But I dae like ma wee cat. Part of the family ye know? So I’m a bit stunned. I hear my wife shout from the room, “What is it?” I struggle for the words, still trying to process it. Nae matter though, cos my friendly neighbour Florence Nightingale helps me. “THAT’S YER CAT DEID IN THE DRIVE, CAN WAN O YEEZ COME GET IT? I NEED TAE GET THE CAR OUT.”
A few minutes later, and we’ve went and got the cat, sure enough, looks like the wee fella has gone. We wrap him in a wee blanket and put him in a basket on the bed. My youngest son knows now and he’s raging. Gutted. I tell him not to worry, I’ll phone the vet, see if they can help.
“Poke his eye?” That’s what the vet says when I get through. Poke his eye. “Has he naw been through enough?” But no, we take the advice and poke his eye. Apparently it’s the cat equivalent of taking yer pulse. When nothing happens, the vet confirms that he’s gone. “Here’s something? I ask. He’s a lot smaller than I remember. Bit of a different colour as well, now I look at him.” “Aye,” the vet says. “They contract when they die and change colour cos of the blood.” Sorry I asked now. She asks me if there’s anything else I can help with, and I say no. One cat related tragedy is enough for one night.
By this point, my youngest son has turned into a bounty hunter outside in the street, looking for the car that got him. So I phone my eldest son. “Aye, listen, pal. We’ve got some bad news. It’s Ringo , mate. He’s gone. (Pause) “Look calm down.” He’s started greeting, I didnae realise he was at work. “Calm down, just come home when yer done and say-” he’s telt me to be quiet. I can hear him running and greeting. Christ, he’s speaking to his manager, family emergency I can hear him say. His manager says to go. Be with your family. I cannae believe he’s done that. “What are ye daen, if they find out it’s the cat you’ll get – look yer about to drive, ye need tae calm down. Stop greeting. Go get yer girlfriend and she can help ye get down the road. Calm doon – naw, there’s no such a thing as a cat paramedic Chris, there’s nothin we can dae.” And he’s away, in hysterics.
This is getting out o hand now. My other boy’s turned into a bounty hunter ootside and my wifes got the rosary beads out, saying a prayer, blessing the cat. It’s just no the kind of thing ye expect from a Monday night.
So anyway, my other boy and his partner arrive in record time, and he comes in, greeting and he faws to his knees. Which is mental cos the cat never really liked him that much tae be fair so I wasnae expecting this reaction. The cat woulndae be arsed wae all this really. I tell him to go in and say goodbye. His partner, she gives me a wee hug in the hall bless her. “He keeps asking for a cat paramedic,” she tells me. I shake my heid. “They don’t.
“That’s no oor cat”. Christ, he’s in denial. I go in the room. “That’s no our cat,” he says again. I put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. We’ve been through this son, I tell him. The vet says they change colour and contract when they die – which in hindsight sounds mental but I was dead serious at the time. “That is not our cat” he says again, adamant. Then all we hear, is my youngest boy outside scream. “RINGO”. Christ, this is going too far, I’ve got one in denial and one screaming the cats name havin a breakdown in the street. So we go out and check on him, expecting him to be on his knees an aw, and what do we see?
Ringo, wandering along the street. Alive. We run tae him, trying to get him in the house. We get him in. We are all crying happy tears now. “He’s alive, he’s alive.” It was like Easter Sunday in the hoose that night! Until we realised something….”who’s cat was that in the room?” Turns out it was the neighbour a few doors down. She came, said, “awk, she’s had hunners of deid cats, nae another one” and left wae the basket. We couldnae believe it. All on a Monday night.
If anyone asks me now, mind that time yer cat came back frae the dead? I can say aye. Ma wee Jesus cat. Never did get the basket or that cup of tea back though. But at least we got oor cat back.
Watch the story being told by the brilliant James Keenan as part of Short Attention Span Theatre’s May Monologues here.
Reality Killed The TV Star
We used to have it aw
My da, my sister, and my maw
We were the rising stars of Scottish reality TV
Couldnae go for a chippy without somebody recognizing me
We went from deep fried mars bars to driving round in fast cars
We used aw our childhood scars to become Hollywood stars
Nae mair 9 to 5 grind or the benefits line
Nae mair methadone queue or having to stick in at school
We were on tap o the world
And I could pull any gurl
We got hunners of free shit
Oor life was fuckin lit
But aw that has changed
As our star started to fade
And because our ratins have slipped
They want to give me……the snip
They’ve offered hunners of money
Tae turn me intae a honey
But I cannae decide
If I want to leave it aw behind
The producers say our fans will be lovin
If they can turn me into a wummin
But the news has hit me like a brick
They want to chop off ma dick
A don’t think I’ve much choice
They’re no listenin to ma voice
And it might naw be all bad
It happened to the Kardashians Dad
Besides, what are ma options?
Say naw and lose ma good fortune?
I’m naw built for stacking shelves
It’d be bad for ma health
Ach it might naw be bad after aw
I’ve always looked a bit like ma maw
Besides, they’ve made me a promise
I’ll get a belter of a signing bonus
Pablo
I was a straight A Student
Never got ma hands dirty
Kept my nose right clean
Till I got tae Thirty
Then wan night, at a New Years Party
A took a cup of tea aff some Dafty
Drank it down quick and started tae get the fear
Turns oot they didn’t have any sugar
just a kitchen full o gear
A started feelin funny and talkin awfy fast
Usually I’m the first tae leave but tonight I wis the last
My heart was pure racing and my teeth felt awfy funny
I’ve never agreed wae takin Charlie but in a cup of tea?
It’s fucking yummy
Efter that night, normal tea didnae taste the same
No matter how many sugars I took it tasted pure rank and tame
So I hit the street wae a mission tae find this wee white upper
Nothin was gonnae stop me from having a proper fuckin cuppa
Finally found what I was looking for and a got a tenner bag
Then I started sellin my cup of tea on the street like a caffeine Breaking Bad
Yed get some free custard creams tae wash it down and I’ve never known such luck
But word soon got out that I was on the money and thats when it aw went tae fuck
Cafes, junkies and drug dealers aw wanted in on the action
They wanted to make the same tea as me and make it cost a fraction
I refused tae tell them how to make the tea like mine, no matter how much they would force
So a was embroiled in a battle, a proper drug war, which ended up in me getting a divorce
It aw got messy and lives were lost but I made sure to come out on top
It was aw going fine until one day I sold ma tea to a bloody cop
So noo I’m in Barlinnie and ave lost it aw and I’ve never felt so low
Aw a wanted was a decent cup of tea and now they call me Pablo
The Pished Hiker’s Guide Tae Time Travel
The Pished Hikers Guide Tae Time Travel
Wan night in Kelburn
Me and Gordy McCann were burlin
We’d tanned a hawf bottle of Buckie
And watched ma pal curling
And efter he won we went back to the offie
Turns oot a wizard worked there and he gave us a coffee
He said “Sober up lads cos I’m aboot te tell ye
Suhin pure magical that’s aboot tae befell ye
Cos when you baith drank that hawf bottle of Buckie
Chosen ye were, and tae be baith sae lucky
For that was nae ordinary Fortified Wine
Naw, noo ye baith can travel through time
We were baith dumbfooned
That much a can tell ye
But we accepted the challenge fae the Wizard from Kelvi
He told us tae go and with great speed to watch
Everythin that happened since life first turned the clock
A said “Haud on a minute, much will we get paid?
And anither thing, whit happens if wan of us gets laid?
Will we start disappearin like Marty and the picture in his wallet?
And will aw this time travel make me want tae vomit?
He said “Shut the fuck up and get on wae the mission
A dunno why the bottle of Buckie has put me in this position
Hawf-wits the pair of ye, whit hope have we goat
If ye don’t get on wae it al grab ye both by the throat
Wee Gordy got pure ragin and said he’d tear up the shop
And that’s when the wizard said he was cawin the cops
A tried tae calm them baith doon cos we had a lot in common
Efter aw the Buckie picked us, we were the ones who were chosen
The wizard agreed and sent us tae times the world had forgotten
Let me tell ye this, time travel smells fuckin rotten
We never saw Wullie shout Freedom or get steaminwae a Beatle
Never smoked a joint wae Jimi or saw the birth of Limmy
Couldnae shave Hitlers moustache or dekegg that twat Nixon
Never went to the Moon or winched hunners o wummin
So when we got back I knocked the wizard a crack and told him he’d selt us a duffer
He asked “What did ye see, was it magic as can be? Did ye get tae see a young Mick Jagger?
I told him time travel was shite and try as I might, I think next time I’ll just have a lager
Hospitals
Hospitals, man
We live in them and die in them
Laugh in them and cry in them
The only thing I know is legit
The coffee they serve is fuckin shit
The milk is watier than the eyes in Ward C
And a know what this must say about me
But come oan tae fuck get yer vendy machines sorted
And what’s wae the gift shop yer prices are extortion
A know it’s naw all about the food and the drink
But visitin a place like this fair makes ye think
If folk here are about tae be read their last rites
Surely tae Christ ye can gie them a few pints
Families comin together
And wishing that they werenae
It’s no just the patients temperature that’s getting a wee bit burny
Cos at the end of the day even tho folk are really sick
It doesnae take away frae the fact that they’re actually a dick
Maybe I’m too harsh
And should take pity on them aw
With their yellow white hair and their unanswered prayers
But for me it’s too hard and I’ve become all cynical
Cos everyone’s behaving like their sick are the pinnacle
So for now I’ll just sit
And bite ma petted lip
And wait for the end
With the coffee that’s shit
Hospitals, man
Charity Man
Watch out for the Charity Man
He’ll steal your watch
While he shakes yer hand
Watch out for the Charity Man
The cunt that stoats about
Like a one man band
Watch out for the Charity Man
Thinks he’s a saint
But his heads buried in the sand
Watch out for the Charity Man
He’ll leave you with nothing
And buy himself some land
Watch out for the Charity Man
He only builds schools abroad
So he can top up on his tan
Watch out for the Charity Man
He drives about in nice cars
But he’s got a Child Catchers van
Watch out for the Charity Man
He’ll pretend to help you out
Just so you won’t take a stand
Watch out for the Charity Man
He’ll make you wish you kept your money
For yourself and just ran
Watch out for the Charity Man
He’s one drink away
From a drink and drive ban
Watch out for the Charity Man
He’s probably that noise you hear outside
While your sitting on the can
Watch out for the Charity Man
Cos he’s the cunt that walks about
In profit well over a hunner grand
Watch out, Charity Man
We’ve got you all figured out
You’re your number one fan
Granny
ma wee Granny was mental
she loved a wee night on the town
and when a was a wain she’d never put me down
ma wee Granny was mental
she loved the fitba
and the Highland Dancin
but loved a wee voddy n aw
she loved making mince n totties
and a blue rinse through her hair
she was sweet as could be unless ye pissed her aff
then she’d definitely deck ye on the flair
she’d awis make a plate o snacks
for me coming in from school
she’d let ye stay up late and watch TV
which made me feel pure cool
she taught me how tae swear
and sent me tae the shop for sweets
loved Daytime TV, Edam Cheese
and her favourite word was Feek
ma wee Granny was cooler than me
and she was never one to be narky
she loved the bingo but even more
she loved an after party
Grannies are really like second maws
Ye canna take them for granted
they’ll make sure yer well fed and keep ye right
and they’ll never see ye stranded
Grannies are brilliant and Grannies are class and when they’re gone ye really dae miss them
This Town
This town
I tell ye
It’s really something else
I swear it’s located somewhere
Between heaven and hells bells
This town
I tell ye
It feels like it rains forever
But ye’ve got tae love the cracking views
We have over the River
This town
I tell ye
Chances are high ye might get glassed
This town, it’s mental
But it’s also kinda class
Hawf the folk are carrying
The other are smoking dope
And naewhere else will ye find a junkie
Playing wae nunchucks made out of rope
It’s the same town ye grew up in
It’s where ye skint yer knees
Where ye fell in love
And where ye used tae climb trees
It’s the same town ye got drunk in
and made yer lifelong pals
Where ye skidged school every other day
and got knocked back aff aw the gals
It’s the place ye learned tae walk
and the place ye learned tae talk
The place ye played hopscotch
on the ground made oot o chalk
Ye had yer first winch here
and ye had yer first fight
And ye felt pure cool when ye first asked a pal
tae gie yer cigarette a light
Noo ye might try and run from it
and you might try and hide,
but this town will be with you
for the rest of yer life
What If The Avengers Were Scottish?
What if The Avengers Were Scottish?
Would Irn-Bru Man be the same with the sugar taken oot?
Would Captain Scotland want to gie the union the boot?
Would Thor, King of Aberdeen love it wae aw the thunder, rain and lightenin?
Would Square Go Machine be buzzin wae aw the fightin?
Would The Pure Brilliant Hulk be alright in Glesga on Old Firm Sundays?
Would the Ragin Nick wae the eye patch ruin their Bank Holiday Mondays?
Would Riddy Witch be an absolute beamer?
Would the wee Mad Racoon be a complete & utter steamer?
Would Hawk-Eye The Noo work in Specsavers?
Would the Insect Wans aw be mad ravers?
Would the Weirdo Doctor gie us aw free prescriptions?
Would the Wans fae space come doon and cause hunners o friction?
Would Vision Heid join yer game o 5s and dribble right roon ye?
Would the Bird Wan fly about and shite bird shite aw doon ye?
A dunno if it’d be a good thing and a dunno if it’d be badthing
Wan thing I dae know is the banter that they’d aw bring
And how mad would it be if wan o them wis yer Maw?
How mad would it be if wan of them wis yer Da?
Dae ye think they’d sell Avon and dae ye think they’d punt cooncil?
Night's Oot
It aw happened so fast
A thought a had much longer tae last
But life, it doesnae gie ye that chance
One night out on the toon
Was when I looked roond
And found out the horrible truth
Cos I might naw be bald
And don’t complain about being cauld
But somehow I’ve still got fuckin auld
Efter that last night on the fortified wine
A felt 89
Instead of the young gun a um
Couldnae dae a second round
It’d have me 6 feet under ground
And I couldnae even manage a cheeky Sambuca
So Nae mare GBX
A felt like a T-Rex
And defos nae 1am chippies
And Nae mair Ring of Fire
Cos after a felt dire
And walk aroond looking awfy tired
A should ave seen the warning signs
They were happenin aw the time
Like, when I started to enjoy Sunday morning walks
I found out I was in an age bracket aw by masel
When nae one remembered Kenan and Kel
And how much that cunt loved orange soda
So instead of getting out ma bin
I’ll have a night in
And watch a bit of Strictly Come Dancing
One day it’ll happen
And you’ll find your panickin
Cos you cannae dae what ye once could
Naw you don’t need to be bald
Tae find oot yer auld
A night oot will dae that just fine
For more poems check out my Poetizer profile here or my Rabbie Burns Would Be Ragin’ collection here!